self imploding

2009-02-11T13:04:00.000-08:00

I’m mad at you.
But not for why your thinking. Stop your thoughts. Hear me out.
I said it. All this time you thought it wasn’t possible, well it is.
I’m not mad for you smoking all your pot and then picking up cigarettes as a nasty habit. Nope, not for that.
I’m not mad at you for coming to school one a week because you tried to kill yourself five months ago and everyones super nice to you. Not even that.
I can deal with all of that. I really can.
But what really, makes me mad to no end is how you gave up.
It’s that simple.
All because you gave up. That’s it.
That is the only reason why I am so fucking mad.
Why? Just why?
You can’t give up on life. You can’t just give up on everything. That’s not how it works. You’re here, so you need to do what’s asked of you.
You need to go to school, you need to be home at decent hours, you need to let your father have some control over you.
Everyone’s so fucking scared to tell you off because they think you’ll just off yourself again.
But that’s not how it works. I’m sorry.
I can’t sit here and watch you do this to yourself.
Someone said that love is watching someone die. And I could deal with that.
But I can’t watch you kill yourself.

Let me know when you’re ready to be saved.

I guess this is it.

2009-01-31T07:32:00.000-08:00

You always said you wanted to be the last person I talk to. I know you don't deserve it. I know that.
but I also know it will be hard for you. and maybe, it's best that I give you what you want one last time.

You've never known about this. My writings. I decided to mail you the website. It will probably arrive on the day of my funeral.
I know there are some mean things in here. and that they all involve you.

but this is inside my head. and maybe I didn't say I loved you enough. but I always will. I love you.

And as your reading this, I'm gone. I hope you know how sorry I am. How terribly sorry it had to end like this. but it's not your fault. it won't ever be. don't tell yourself that. ever.

it's so far from the truth drake. this was inevitable and I'm sorry you had to witness my downfall.
I truly am.

These will be the last words I'll ever say to you. and that scares me. but another day of this, it just isn't worth it. I can't put up with it.

I hope you find what your looking for. I hope you get the happiness you deserve. because I know you deserve it. you do.
and I'm having a hard time ending this. but I know I must.

I'm so, so, sorry. be strong. you can get through this. it's not the end for you drake, you have so much to live for.

I love you.

2009-01-14T16:00:00.000-08:00

don't wipe away the tears if your not done crying.

sometimes it's as simple as that.

2009-01-14T15:34:00.000-08:00

I want to turn my phone off and never talk to you again.
I feel like that would give me at least a little power over you.

I'm sick of this.
I can't take it.

I hope your worried. Not even I know what's going to happen tonight.

What's that? Ohh, I love you too.
Fuck you.

I need to vent.

2009-01-05T12:49:00.000-08:00

you can live wthout me.
you can live without me.

I used to tell myself this hoping one day i'd believe it.
And now I only believe it because it's become true.

I mean nothing to you.
fucking nothing.

You tell me I'm coming over to your house tonight because you'll make me sleep.
fuck that. I won't let you.

I don't care if it hurts you that I'm like this. because you know what?
you made me like this.

its
your
fucking
fault.

and maybe, for once, you deserve to be the one in pain.

2009-01-04T16:35:00.001-08:00

it's hard to explain what it feels like to never sleep.

I couldn't tell you how longs it's been. lord knows i stopped counting weeks ago.

but it's a funny thing really. when you have no sleep and no school, you have no routines.

everything seems like one long neverending nightmare.
I'm realizing why you need sleep. you need it to see the days end. to see the bad ones and start new the next day.

but with no sleep, this has been one long day. one that's lasted well over 200 hours.

just fucking end already.

bittersweet

2008-12-25T15:33:00.000-08:00

and you told me once you realized that you and her would never work we would get married.

I would love to believe you.
but I don't.

Someone tell me.

2008-12-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

I want to know the answers.

I want to know why we live. I want to know the point.
because the point is not being happy.

I want to know why were even born.
why were cursed with this existance.

but I won't ask anyone. because my questions outnumber their answers.
I won't ask because their answers won't be good enough.
I won't ask because my thinking is irrational.
I won't ask because it's pointless.

I won't ask because I don't want them to think it's their fault when I kill myself.
I won't ask because they don't need any more guilt than what they have.

Down to the last minute, I'll be as selfless as possible.

2008-12-08T17:47:00.001-08:00

fuck you seasonal depression.

you make my clinical depression even worse.

the scarest part,

2008-12-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

I think I can do it now.
I think I'm ready.
It's time.
and I would say I'm sorry for leaving like this, but I know you wouldn't care anyway.

happy

2008-12-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

"im gonna kill myself" this is not a joke. you do not say this to someone when they've talked you out of that before. scratch that, you should never say this to anyone.
it is not a joke.

and the fact that you think is was, shows me you truly are a new person.

I'm glad your happy.
I hope you happy that I'm fucking miserable.

2008-12-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

People always say a vacation takes you away form all your problems and then only downfall is when you return and their still there.

This weeekend I realized. My problem is me.

2008-12-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

last night you stayed up with me. for the whole night.

I love that you would do that with me.

but I won't let you go down with me. I won't.
I'm glad you just fell asleep. you need it.

and we both know I haven't slept in days.
no matter, I've never cared about myself anyway.

and you said,

2008-12-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

"well if it wasn't for me ud be nice and dead and not going through this. but i still care. so u can't leave."

right then, I fell in love all over again.
but at the same time, I hate you for guilt tripping me into staying here.

how do I get out of this?

Oh, the irony.

2008-12-04T15:22:00.000-08:00

and I never thought I would miss talking you out of suicide every couple days.

and I feel selfish for thinking that.

The Million Dollar Question.

2008-12-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

today on the bus ride home, you were on my mind.

I was wondering if it would have been easier that you died.

I suppopse this way I know your happy. I don't have to deal with the emotions of not being able to save you.

So why am I acting like you died?

2008-12-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

I miss you. and I've heard you've changed.
and honestly, while that's probably for the best I'm afraid. I don't know you as well as I once did.
and that scary. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose who you were.

And I love the conversation we had last night. I'm glad you said you still care. that means a lot.
but I'm sorry I don't believe you.

without you.

2008-12-02T12:51:00.001-08:00

and I know I was suppopsed to be thankful for everything I have,
but all I could think about was everything I didn't have.

how much you took from me.